How I am riding the waves of my grief.

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No matter how much we look at our lives, the reality is that each day we are closer to our death. May sound pretty morbid or could be super exciting to make sure that we leave no stone unturned on our life path. Last night I spent the night with a friend who had lost her mother earlier that day. I felt OK during the process and we sat and chatted about “stuff” her mum, especially the things that she did and said. All in all it was a bitter sweet evening. I tossed and turned all night as I reminded myself why I was sleeping next to my friend. I didn’t want her to be alone and she didn’t want to by herself. Understandably so and for one night all I could do was lie next to her. Sometimes that is all we need from another, to just hold the space and be there.

It is May and this year grief has been in my face. My aunt died suddenly, my cousin committed suicide a few months later, and a beloved furbaby was dying in front of my eyes, an old neighbour passed and now the death of my friends mum. Yup one could say I am in the midst of grief. Is it good? Is it bad? Does it even need to be defined? What I do know is that is a massive rollercoaster of emotions.

What I have learnt most is to ride it as best as I possibly know how. So this morning when I got home I thought about my Nonna the matriarch of our family and tried to muster her strength, determination and wisdom. I found her tribute DVD, watched it and sobbed like a baby. Some may think it may not have been the best of decisions considering how fragile I was feeling but the therapy of releasing was exactly what my body was yearning.

There is no magical handbook nor is there a wand to make it go away. What I am beginning to learn about myself in grief is to really be gentle and in those moments to learn from what is going on. It is inevitable and we are all going to die. I get it. What I don’t want to do is shove down my grief so that it manifests into other “stuff” in my life that is not healthy or is detrimental. The fun or not so fun thing about grief is that with each death or situation that presents if there is something that you haven’t dealt with it pops up, just like magic. Rest assured it will happen. It may transpire into anger, resentment or bitterness so best to feel it and begin to heal.

I am not an expert in the field of grief and loss and nor do I claim to be, what I do know about is my own grief and my own experiences. Honour your grief and be happy that you are actually feeling. Having lived depression there is nothing worse than not being able to feel at all. Be grateful that you are feeling. Sit with your pain and hurt and give yourself permission to cry. The release is insurmountable and the relief is instant. It doesn’t make it go away but it soothes the soul somewhat. Don’t shove down your tears, let them out and crying is just as important as laughing.  Allow yourself to receive. Tell people you love and trust that you are not OK and know that you are safe and loved. There is so much strength in our vulnerability and it allows us to grow.

For me writing is an outlet that allows me to express the gazillion things that go on in my head. It allows me to clear the fog and I am able to make sense on what is going on for me. To own what is mine and to be still in the moments of what I am feeling. Find what works for you and allowing yourself to be involved in creative energy can be magical.

We are all on this planet for an amount of time to fulfil a purpose, to love and to fully live the lives that we were meant to live. Living each day as if it is your last to some may sound erratic and crazy. My interpretation is to live with no regret and to know that each decision and action that I make is from love and compassion for me, for those around me and the world in which I live. Grief can be one of our toughest lessons that we will ever learn and at times we feel like we are literally being dragged through the mud, thrown around and beaten up. What I do know is that there is no easy fix, there is no one solution other than to show up, be in the moment, feel and explore the emotions as they come up. In the midst of the wave there is a break and love always transpires.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

With huge love

Sonia

xxoo

 

 

37. I focus on being positive because the thoughts I think and the words I speak create my experiences.

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I reckon I have a pretty good idea on how this affirmation works for me; after all I spent a whole year writing each day about finding a positive in each situation that was presented to me. For me this was one of the biggest achievements that I have been able to accomplish and what I could have potentially perceived as the worst year of my life ended up being one of the best.

I can manage to turn a situation around pretty quickly these days and can truly understand and appreciate that all happens exactly the way it is meant to. What I am really aware of is my self-talk. For example I saw a picture of myself last night and the first thing that I commented on was that it looked like I had a food baby. In that moment I didn’t stop and consider that a beautiful family picture had also been taken, instead it was about the food baby that I had perceived. Interestingly enough today I felt blah. My body felt heavy and I didn’t feel great about myself. Call it a coincidence, call it whatever you want, what I do know is that the proof is in the pudding. It is not about judging my thoughts, rather acknowledging how much our thoughts affect the way that we feel. (by the way I quite possibly did have a food baby because I ate the best dinner and lots of it!)

It doesn’t mean that we have to be in a constant state of happy when we are not, instead being mindful of what our thoughts and words are. When we are mindful and completely in the moment it allows us to be in gratitude for where we are in that particular moment. It is about love in action for each and every person and soul that exists, because there is a bit of us in each of us.

There may be a slight uproar stir as you digest that there is a little of us in each of us. I am not a murderer, nor do I solicit violent acts, so how could this possibly be? To the teenage in Melbourne that had planned to bomb and kill people, how do we support love and action in these circumstances? The 17 year old boy at some stage of his life has stumbled in the face of acceptance (one can assume). We can only imagine that when a young person is looking towards a group of violent acts that there is pain, anger that needs to be addressed. So in some point of your life there surely would have been pain or anger? Ok so you didn’t plan on bombing a group of people but the emotion existed. So all I am saying is that rather than think and speak about the possible destruction how about giving compassion with detachment a go. You don’t have to agree with what is happening and nor do you have to condone it but you can send compassion and love to the situation and pray for a far better outcome than the one we are currently in. I focus on being positive because the thoughts I think and the words I speak create my experiences. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

 

36. I have plenty of time to do what I need to do. Time expands for me.

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The thoughts at the forefront of my mind are of a dear furbaby that passed away today. My head is still reeling from the events and I almost thought about going straight to bed and pretending it didn’t happen. What I have also realised is stuffing my emotions down doesn’t work either. Earlier today my sister and I were driving down a busy main road, there was a man frantically wanting to cross the road. We slowed down to make sure he was Ok and there he was on the side of the road yelling in pure pain that his dog had just been hit. It was heartbreaking.

I wish I was writing this story differently but I am not. We stopped and assisted him in any way we could. It was futile and he was losing a lot of blood. So many people stopped and tried to assist in any way they could. Unfortunately the driver did not. There was a few of us that ended up meeting him at the vet but the darling furbaby had gone. Complete strangers who had come to help a man and his dog. It was just devastating. His shrills of mercy that his dog had been hit is is gut-wrenching.

So as I sit and write about having plenty of time to so what I need to do I am in slight conflict. Time is truly of the essence and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I can’t explain why the beautiful German Shepherd dog was hit and later died but it has come as a harsh reminder that life is so very precious and everything can change in an instant. It doesn’t mean that we have to live life in fear and anxious. Rather for me right now it is a timely reminder about being in the moment and it is truly all we have.

My sister and I witnessed the tragedy tonight for whatever reason. I know that after work, I hadn’t planned to go for a run but I did. I didn’t intend to go past my sister’s house but I did and there was never any plan to drive her to work. None the less I did and in the midst of it I was witness to a man losing his best friend. Life smacks you in the face sometimes and puts it all into perspective.

So on reflection what I do know and feel about time is being in the now. When we are in crisis we are so present. To be grateful for every moment, even when it is painful for this is where precious humanity is witnessed and we all come together as one. A harsh realisation that we understand this in troubled times. For if this was the way of the world each and every day justice would prevail. We are all connected, we are all one. To the dear furbaby that grew his wings today, may your flight be peaceful and loving. Thank you for your lesson of love.  I have plenty of time to do what I need to do. Time expands for me.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

 

 

34. I am totally free to choose thoughts of joy.

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Choice about our thoughts can either destroy who we are or aspire us to be all that we can be.  I am very mindful about the thoughts that travel around in my mind and at times they can be destructive to self.  As soon as I catch myself doing this I hit the CANCEL, CLEAR, DELETE button. Why is it that we can be so totally harsh on ourselves?  It is absurd how we criticize the things we do, the way we look and this can go on for years before we notice and do something about it. I am totally aware of what I am projecting out to the universe and for me it is a reminder about choosing thoughts of joy when life is particularly tough.

I have written about my cousin lately. It has consumed my mind and thoughts since she took her own life and choosing thoughts of joy have been really f*&KN tough.  There are days where it feels more comfortable to be angry at the world and joy is the farthest thing from my mind. It is what I choose to do with these thoughts and feelings that make the difference. Generally I choose not to speak or interact with too many people when joy is not at the top of my list. I generally go for a run, write or simply feel what it is that I need to and let it out. Usually there are pent up tears that need to be released and I am good to go again. Nothing like a good old cry to make you feel better and is just as important as laughter.

So rather than feel like a total psycho and pretend to be happy and joyful when I am not I accept my vulnerability and allow the feelings to just me. To be perfectly honest I have worn too many masks for way too long and the idea of “pretending” doesn’t work so much for me these days.  I had a meeting yesterday for work and we spoke about grief, loss and connections in the community. One of the things that have been found is that most people won’t talk about the death of a person or even mention their name. They would rather talk about anything else but the white elephant in the room. As humans I find this behaviour to be quite interesting. As humans are we that afraid of feeling? Is feeling and exposing our vulnerability for others to see and feel such a bad thing? Perhaps if we were more honest and real with one another the number of mental health statistics wouldn’t be so high and parts of the population wouldn’t be so isolated. I could go on and on but they wouldn’t necessarily be thoughts of joy now would they and I would be a total hypocrite. So instead of complaining and whinging about what I perceive to be a deficit I can be encouraging and persistent in my pursuit of connectedness in the community in which I am surrounded. So rather than coming from a model of what does not happen I can now create an opportunity of I can. I am totally free to choose thoughts of joy. It is my Divine right to do so. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

 

 

33. I have the power to create all that I wish with my mind and my thoughts. I am truly someone special.

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Changing perception is something that I have been aware of and practising for quite some time now. It is also something that I write about on a regular basis. Still there are times where I struggle to find the perfect thoughts and I can fall into a slump. What is important is that I recognise this and know that what goes on inside my mind is what happens in my outer world. So if I have shitty and unpleasant thoughts then life attracts the same.

The last few months have been really challenging and somewhat tough. My aunt passed away and soon after my cousin committed suicide. Many years ago I myself lived with depression and know the feeling of wanting life to end all too well. Her death has left us with a heavy heart and immense sadness. About a week ago I had a healing and some of the fog dispersed and the sun is seeping through.  I can’t change what happened, nor can I go back in my mind about what could have or should have been. Rather what I do know now is that I have the power to channel the adversity of her death into something that is positive and a tribute to her legacy.

We are all special and unique. There is no one better than another and we all have the potential to light our own unique flame. The injustice that saddens me is the masses of people that live in places of the world where impoverishment is debilitating. So I am filled with gratitude with all that I have and this certainly gives me the power to create all I wish. In the meantime I can contribute to peace and justice in ways that I know how.

So when life presents with what we may perceives as challenges, heartbreak and grief they can also be filtered into creative potential and being of service to others through what we have learnt. The last few months has seen my life with more than a few endings. I can choose to see them as negative or I can experience them as growth and resilience. That doesn’t mean that I do not feel or that grief and sadness is not warranted, but what I do know is that it can be directed into other outlets rather than bitterness, resentment and anger. Today as I sit to write my blog my body is weary and a cold is approaching. For me it is about taking time to heal, nurture and refocus my life into all that I wish to create. I truly believe that the universe forces you to stop at times and just be. To just feel life for ALL that it is no matter what comes up. Yes there has been heartbreak and endings but it has also shown me love on a deeper level that I did not know before these experiences. I have the power to create all that I wish with my mind and my thoughts. I am truly special. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

32. Today, no person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me. I choose to be at peace.

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It is just as well that this affirmation has been presented to me today. I reckon if I had of been even a week ago I may have thrown the affirmation calendar out the window and been done with it. The truth is since the death of my cousin, life has been challenging and fragmented to say the least. To go back to what was is not something that is attainable as a life event such as this one changes you forever. One thing that I am able to connect to is my heart space and this is a constant. The thing is that when “stuff” and ego consumes our lives getting into our heart space can become more difficult than usual and basic survival is required. I can go on and on about stores and stuff but basically they get boring and what attracts me to life is to sort my shit out and to live with pure joy, peace, purpose and happiness.

People or places can only annoy or irritate us if that “thing” resides within us already. True story! Confronting to hear but totes is what our shadow shows us. It represents what exists within us already or simply what we have to heal. Our shadows can be our biggest and greatest teachers in life. It is when we fully embrace what belongs to us and are no longer ashamed of what it means is where strength and growth takes place. It is where the stretch happens and we deal with what is blocking us at the time. So the next time somebody annoys you or irritates you, take a step back, hold compassion in your heart and look for the place where that behaviour may take place in your life.

I know that there have been situations of friendships and situations where I have been triggered. Sometimes it may take me a while before I am able to identify the trigger but there is usually the “aha” moment where I own my stuff and grow from it. It is easy to say a person is this or that and at the time they very well may be. That is not to say that the action of another that has hurt you is OK but when an action has irritated or annoyed you it is because it needs to be released and healed. Quite frankly I am all up for thanking the person for showing me what I am no longer. So rather than putting your energy into the “story”, give thanks to the situation or person that has brought it to light, heal and move on.

A few nights ago I went to a Tantric Dance Session (no I didn’t dance around a room naked and have sex with random people) instead what I did do was choose peace and universal love. When my friend and I left the dance session we felt elated and high on life and love (no drugs or alcohol involved). What we did agree on when we left that we wanted to imagine and create for ourselves a life where the world was simply universal love, peace and justice. The feeling that was so imminent was that nobody or place could have annoyed or irritated me. Call me a dreamer, call me what you will but as John Lennon sings “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. But I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one” Today, no person, place or thing can irritate or annoy me. I choose to be at peace. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

27. I take care of my body, my home, my workplace and all other areas of my life. I alone am responsible for myself.

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Life presents us with many challenges.  Some of the challenges are fun and some are ones that change us forever and our lives are never quite the same. It is ridiculously easy to blame other people and situations for “stuff” that happens. Instead of blaming, personal responsibility is the main factor in our lives. Sure we are presented with crap and in those times people situations and events can be more than overwhelming. We can choose to sit in victim mode and not do anything about it or we can create the change that we want to be in the world.

I live in Melbourne and lately there have been some not so nice events that have happened. There have been numerous attacks on vulnerable people and in some situations death. It doesn’t feel nice at all and as a normal reaction people have been going into blame mode. Blame of our justice system and simply blame for whatever. I am not by any means justifying what has been happening or nor do I think that it is OK. What I do know is that being compassionate and of service each and every other day is a way that I now choose to live my life. To make a difference, to create change and to live a life where I do believe and know that peace and harmony exists. If I keep putting out there how “fkt up” the world is all that I will attract is more of the same. Instead what I do is pray that people heal, I send love and I live with a compassionate heart and live with faith that more of the same will not happen.

So many of us go into meltdown, blame or anger when a crisis or tragedy hits home and it is a relatively normal reaction. What is important is that we do not live there. For the innocent 17 year old that was murdered in broad daylight a few kilometres from her home the injustice is heart wrenching. I have read and continue to read the hate towards the attacker and anger towards the justice system.  Peace and harmony begin with us. Are you always kind and loving? Do you treat complete strangers with kindness and respect? Are you of service to humanity? Do you come from a place of love and compassion in all your interactions? Are you authentic and do you live your life with integrity? Do as you feel with the answers. I am not claiming to be perfect; in fact I am happy to own that I am imperfectly perfect. What I do know is that it does not feel right to have an outlet to blame or to throw more of the same into the mix. I make a conscious decision every day to take personal responsibility about what happens in my life and what I attract. Sometimes the lessons are fkn hard and painful but at the very least I own them. So before hurling abuse towards another take a step back and ask yourself to be the change that you want to see in the world. I take care of my body, my home, my workplace and all other areas of my life. I alone am responsible for myself. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

Just like the bright sun, I am radiant being. Others feel safe and warm in my presence.

I have to have a laugh at the affirmation today because I was far from being a bright sun. It is not a joyful laugh but an almost psychotic shrill at the irony of what the affirmation means for me right now.  I almost contemplated not writing today but as my writing is about compassion I thought I would walk my talk and recognise that each experience is one that I can learn from. I had far from pleasant interactions today and if you asked those that spent the day with me I am not quite sure that that would have described me as a bright sun or feeling warm and safe in my presence. Jokes aside I actually love the way the universe presents me with what is important each and every time. For the situations that caused me grief today, thanks for reminding me that life is about embracing the good, bad and the ugly and today ugly reared its head. In fact I just told the telemarketer on the phone that I had a shitty day and if he was happy to bear the brunt of my crap then I would happily speak to him. He declined and hung up.

I am proud of my dark side and funnily (or not so funny) I dressed in all black today something that I do not normally do. It is all about perception I suppose. I am learning to embrace and love all parts of self and to honour that ALL of me with love and respect. Yes I am premenstrual, yes I am tired and yes the full moon is coming. Sure there are days when “stuff” doesn’t flow and the universe forces up to step up and review what is important. What is not important is drama and stories. I can either choose to get sucked up in the whirlwind of crap or see today for what it was, a shitty day that teaches me about compassion. It may take me a while to find compassion for this one but what I do know is that personal responsibility for the way that we act and treat others is primarily ours.

What today taught me is that life more than ever is about precious humanity. I do not want to spend my days or life in drama of my own or of other. (unless of course I am on the stage performing in a famous kind of cabaret show). Every person or situation is a mirror. The triggers that are presented allow us to see the viewpoint of where in our lives this may have been similar. I am sure that there was a time in my life where I did not take personal responsibility and create drama any way I could in fact I am sure of it. But I live and learn. I know today was a reminder from the universe to review my life purpose and focus. I can choose to get caught up in the actions of another or I can focus on the unconditional love and most beautiful hug that I received that made today so worthwhile.  Just like the bright sun, I am radiant being. Others feel safe and warm in my presence. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

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21. Whatever I need to know is revealed to me at exactly the right time.

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I was literally talking to a friend about an hour ago about this very topic! Thanks universe for reminding me about this affirmation and knowing that everything is exactly the way that it is meant to be. In life we tend to want to control what is going on around us. It gives us a sense of glory when we feel that we have it all “under control”. I have to giggle to myself right about now because I totally used to be “I got this all under control kind of person” I would have stuff all mapped out and then the universe would come along and mess it all up for me. When I look at it now the universe was actually working in my favour to get me to wherever I was required and this is the magic of life.

Do you hear yourself saying “Only if I had of known?” Yeah living in the past isn’t so great and really a waste of energy. Just as my dear friend said to me tonight “if all the other stuff had not have happened then I would not be experiencing all the great that I do now.” Sometimes in the midst of what we perceive as the crappy stuff in our lives we don’t always is actually the silver lining. Often it is not until months later when you have that aha moment and you realise that all the bits of the puzzle have come together to teach you an amazing lesson.

I know for me I used to want to have it all worked out and know exactly where I was at and what I was doing. Well you know what it didn’t work that well for me. What I do know is going with what feels right and what flows is what is meant to be. Often what will happen is I am at the right place at the perfect time to hear information or gather knowledge about whatever it is that is meant to be. I know and have complete trust that I am being guided and I no longer ignore my gut feelings or when something doesn’t feel right. I love and respect myself enough to know that my soul is speaking to me. There are no mistakes. We may be challenged in life with the lessons that we are given but living each day with kindness and grace is purpose. Whatever I need to know is revealed to me at exactly the right time. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

 

 

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo