14. HOORAY

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When I read the statement for today my first reaction “F*N HOORAY” Hooray for what? I am particularly tired today. The last few weeks have been a curveball of emotions that have been thrown thick and fast. I have had no choice but to allow them roll and hit wherever they have fallen.  There have been a lot of endings and in particular the emotional downpour of two of my friends who have lost a parent. As spiritual as one may be we are also humans with raw emotions and feelings. As much as I am aware of this life being a place that we stop by to explore and that our souls are infinite, there is also sadness that needs to be acknowledged and truly felt.

I also happened to be at the hospital when my friend’s dad left this earth. It has left me with feelings that I haven’t been exposed to before and my head has been in a bit of a spin. I have felt like I have been floating a little and to be perfectly honest I must admit I like having my head in the clouds. So in perfect timing I had a weekend away planned and was in sync with needing to collaborate and ground to where I am at. I loved being away and embraced the dose of being close to a beach but being back I have fallen back down with a thump. My body is tired and I feel like I could sleep for a week.

So when I read the statement that read “Hooray” I was like really! As I sit back and reflect what I do know is that it is about honouring my feelings and emotions about the last few weeks. In the mix we also were required to reapply for our positions at work as our contract came to an end. I am back for another 12 months, so surrendering was paramount to not going stir crazy to a situation that I had absolutely no control over at that particular time. For me it is about acknowledging the fear of loss and knowing that in our lifetime it is something that we will succumb to in one way shape or form.

I know that for me each time I am presented with the lessons of loss and grief that I am in a different space with a different set of tools in my “box”. It doesn’t make me a master it simply makes me human and real. There are times where I feel totally out of control and fearful about what may or may not happen but I know that I do my best to embrace my shadows and learn what they can teach me. My grumpiness and loss of patience teaches me to stop and reflect on the importance on what I choose to spend my energy on. It may not always be the way that I would like to be and act but I can say “Hooray” for all of our feelings shadows and all. Blessed be and so it is. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

HUGE LOVE

Sonia

xoxo

60. My current thought, the one I am thinking now, is totally under my control.

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A few weeks ago a friend gave me a copy of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne on an audio book. I was chuffed because it meant that I had something to listen to in the car. I have been commuting to Geelong to go to work a few days a week. Funnily enough a few days prior to that I had been thinking that it would be great to have something constructive to listen to and then “bingo” there it was. As some of you may or may not know The Secret is a book about manifesting but particularly our thoughts and what we put out to the universe. So when I saw the affirmation for today I realised pretty quickly that there was a message in that for me.

Since the beginning of the year I have been dealing with grief. It doesn’t have to be or good it just is. What I have learnt about grief is that it doesn’t have to be something that we avoid and bury. Rather it is something that allows us to grow to a level that we did not know existed and to find the gifts within us and our everyday lives.

What was the realisation for me was the “phone calls” and the news that was received with each death and realising how much it had affected me. With two deaths in such a short amount of time the grief differs for each one and the magnitude and multitude of emotions that go with it range so diversely. What has affected me is that if I receive more than a missed call from one of my family members I go into anxiety believing that something “had happened”. It sounds ridiculous and dramatic but I have recognised that was what was going on for me especially after listening to The Secret. So in actual fact what I am doing is simply sending nervous and anxious energy into the universe and it is returning to me tenfold. What then exacerbates is everything else! So it them becomes a roller coaster of emotions when another aspect in my life may not be what it seems and I can spiral.

This really hit home for me last weekend so I stopped and mediated. Of course sitting on top of my CD player was a meditation about removing negative energy and I immediately felt in sync with the universe. What I do know is that I don’t have to dismiss what has been playing out in my mind but the fact that I have recognised it is a bonus. So being mindful and taking inspired action is what I did. I have no idea what the forecast is for me right now and practising patience and trusting is so important. I can choose to live in anxiety and allow life to scare me or I can honour what I am feeling, be gentle on myself, have an attitude of gratitude and work on myself day by day. For we only ever have this one moment so why not make each moment matter and every day a new beginning. My current thought, the one I am thinking now, is totally under my control. Blessed be and so it is. So it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

With love

Sonia

xxxoo

How I am riding the waves of my grief.

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No matter how much we look at our lives, the reality is that each day we are closer to our death. May sound pretty morbid or could be super exciting to make sure that we leave no stone unturned on our life path. Last night I spent the night with a friend who had lost her mother earlier that day. I felt OK during the process and we sat and chatted about “stuff” her mum, especially the things that she did and said. All in all it was a bitter sweet evening. I tossed and turned all night as I reminded myself why I was sleeping next to my friend. I didn’t want her to be alone and she didn’t want to by herself. Understandably so and for one night all I could do was lie next to her. Sometimes that is all we need from another, to just hold the space and be there.

It is May and this year grief has been in my face. My aunt died suddenly, my cousin committed suicide a few months later, and a beloved furbaby was dying in front of my eyes, an old neighbour passed and now the death of my friends mum. Yup one could say I am in the midst of grief. Is it good? Is it bad? Does it even need to be defined? What I do know is that is a massive rollercoaster of emotions.

What I have learnt most is to ride it as best as I possibly know how. So this morning when I got home I thought about my Nonna the matriarch of our family and tried to muster her strength, determination and wisdom. I found her tribute DVD, watched it and sobbed like a baby. Some may think it may not have been the best of decisions considering how fragile I was feeling but the therapy of releasing was exactly what my body was yearning.

There is no magical handbook nor is there a wand to make it go away. What I am beginning to learn about myself in grief is to really be gentle and in those moments to learn from what is going on. It is inevitable and we are all going to die. I get it. What I don’t want to do is shove down my grief so that it manifests into other “stuff” in my life that is not healthy or is detrimental. The fun or not so fun thing about grief is that with each death or situation that presents if there is something that you haven’t dealt with it pops up, just like magic. Rest assured it will happen. It may transpire into anger, resentment or bitterness so best to feel it and begin to heal.

I am not an expert in the field of grief and loss and nor do I claim to be, what I do know about is my own grief and my own experiences. Honour your grief and be happy that you are actually feeling. Having lived depression there is nothing worse than not being able to feel at all. Be grateful that you are feeling. Sit with your pain and hurt and give yourself permission to cry. The release is insurmountable and the relief is instant. It doesn’t make it go away but it soothes the soul somewhat. Don’t shove down your tears, let them out and crying is just as important as laughing.  Allow yourself to receive. Tell people you love and trust that you are not OK and know that you are safe and loved. There is so much strength in our vulnerability and it allows us to grow.

For me writing is an outlet that allows me to express the gazillion things that go on in my head. It allows me to clear the fog and I am able to make sense on what is going on for me. To own what is mine and to be still in the moments of what I am feeling. Find what works for you and allowing yourself to be involved in creative energy can be magical.

We are all on this planet for an amount of time to fulfil a purpose, to love and to fully live the lives that we were meant to live. Living each day as if it is your last to some may sound erratic and crazy. My interpretation is to live with no regret and to know that each decision and action that I make is from love and compassion for me, for those around me and the world in which I live. Grief can be one of our toughest lessons that we will ever learn and at times we feel like we are literally being dragged through the mud, thrown around and beaten up. What I do know is that there is no easy fix, there is no one solution other than to show up, be in the moment, feel and explore the emotions as they come up. In the midst of the wave there is a break and love always transpires.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

With huge love

Sonia

xxoo

 

 

26. I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through.

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The affirmation that I am writing about today is actually the affirmation for Tuesday March the 17th.  As I began to write the calendar flicked to the affirmation for yesterday. I took it as a sign that this was the one that I was meant to write about today. It seems fitting as I sit here the day after the funeral of my cousin. I haven’t been able to write about since her death just over 10 days ago. She took her own life and what I can pray for is not only for her but for all of us is that we are all now safe as we are going through this next chapter, journey and doorway in our lives.

My cousin was 45 years young and a lot of her life was spent dealing with her issues of depression and a myriad of mental health issues. It doesn’t make it better or easier but what it does do is slap you in the face to know how harsh and real depression and suicide is. It has shaken our world in a way that we could not have ever imagined and life won’t go back to normal. Our experiences in life change us and quite frankly I don’t want to be dormant about the issues about mental health anymore. This doorway that I now pass through is one where life experience has changed and my world feels different.

It is about time that we all started to look after each other that little bit more, to extend our kindness and to come from a place of compassion for each and every person that we meet.  I try not to think about the things that I could, should or would have done for her. The decision was for her to make. For me right now there is some comfort knowing it was the one decision that she made for herself where she felt she had control. Many years ago I remember reading that people who commit suicide don’t want to die, they simply don’t see any other way out. I find some comfort in knowing that she has found her own inner sanctuary and is being loved and cared for by the 1000 angels that surround and heal her now.

For me my own journey of depression and mental illness is something that is I have been able to find so much strength and wisdom from. My wish is that each person that has lived with any type of mental illness is able to find their own gift that dwells within. To be able to find our own doorway to safety, no matter what happens in life. Without our darkness there is no light so in those moments it is where our gifts are unveiled. Sometimes we can’t do this for ourselves and for my dear departed cousin the feeling is so raw and intense that my heart feel irreparable right now. Perhaps a bit of it will always be a little broken because that was the way it was meant to be. Right now there are so many feeling and emotions happening that life the way it used to is no longer and that is OK as well. Life’s events define who we are and whether they are good bad or different they lead us to doorways of safety and growth. We are reminded to live life with compassion and kindness for all of humanity and that the spirit of community is one that should all be united to.  I am always safe no matter which “doorway” I pass through. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

 

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo

17. Harmony surrounds me. All is well in my world.

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I’ve refrained all day from writing my blog because quite frankly I haven’t really wanted to feel. I spent two days away after the funeral of my aunt, which was exactly what I needed. The death of a family member is something that we all will or have experienced at some time or another and for each of us the feelings and emotions are different. What is real is grief and coming home last night noticing the red rose that we received from her coffin stared me in the face. The whole thing had actually happened, but it was time for bed and I went to sleep. This morning when I got up and climbed down my stairs it was the first thing I noticed and again I realised that it was real.

So as I glanced upon the affirmation today on several occasions. I didn’t want to write about all being well in my world because I felt like crap! My body feels tired, my heart feels heavy and the realisation that life can all too quickly pass us by is so bloody real. I know it has only been a  few short weeks and I am sure there will be many more moments, hours or days when I may feel like this again but right now it feels so raw and hurts so much. I can’t pretend nor do I want to but what I can do is allow myself to feel harmony in a way that I know how.

So for today I am being compassionate to myself and looking after me the way I know how. I would love to drink a few bottles of red wine and pretend it never happened but I also know it will come back until I deal with whatever it is that I am feeling at the time. So for now I will cry the tears that I need to cry, lie in Mother Earth and allow her to cradle my body so I can soak up her loving energy, listen to music, mediate and make myself a big fat bowl of popcorn and watch a movie. This is all I can muster for today. I may never be able to physically touch her again but I know that if I close my eyes I can feel her in my soul and heart and this brings me harmony. Harmony surrounds me. All is well in my world. Blessed be and so it is, so it is done. Namaste.

With a sprinkle of fairy dust and may magic follow your day.

Sonia

Xoo